looking back

I have grown. I have learned. I am better because. I am not the same girl. I have changed for the better. I am stronger. I have more faith. I trust more…its so weird how I trust MORE after that. But I do. I wouldn’t change to be back what I was. But is it wrong that I look at them now and am angry that they have forgotten. That they don’t remember. That they changed my world….and they kept going. They stole things that I will never get back. They hurt me in ways I have never really gotten over. They turned around and walked away. The worst thing…They don’t care. They don’t think about it. They are blind. They will never know. I just want them to know. I want them to acknowledge. Is it stupid that I am still standing there looking back. Not all the time, not even often. But sometimes I remember. They never do. I pray for the strength to forgive faults that they are to blind to realize. To move on without apologies that will never come. I pray I will love people that will never remember.

I sing very loudlly in my car. It is probably the only place that I belt out songs...who knows- I could be really good. The world may not know what it is missing. But that is beyond the point...Driving home tonight I had quite a few songs that popped into my head. It is interesting to me how a song can come on the radio that can completely take me back to another time. A lyric can jump out at me that reminds me of a vivid scene that starts rolling behind my eyelids. For example: "Forty Miles in Missouri," reminds me of car rides when I was little and the whole family joining in, "You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille," reminds me of a car ride home from McDonalds with my daddy and our car windown rolled down, "Fishin in the Dark" reminds me of a house in the country and friends that I hold dear to my heart,"Jump on it" reminds me of senior prom on the river boat, Boy band songs brings me back to college days, Silly Camp songs reminds me of summers spent with amazing people, Frank sinatra reminds me of my husband, and those are just the first on the playlist. I could probably list hundreds of songs that were simply lucky bystanders to some amazing times in my life. I love it how our brains work. We attach memories to songs. Then sometimes out of the blue, after years of life that have replaced previous ones, a song will start playing that will bring that moment out of the dusty recesses of our minds and for just a second, remind us of who we were. I love that.

heartstrings

I feel the ties breaking. The bands are stretching and sometimes I dont know how much longer they will hold. I dont know how much longer I can keep my grasp. They're slipping away. But I try, I always try. I never give up. I hold on. I carry. I reach and stretch as far as I can. I refuse to let myself believe that sometimes the strings that hold hearts together aren't meant to reach that far.In my head I know that people are supposed to come in and out of our lives. My logic tells me that we should cherish memories and let them go. My experience says, "be grateful and move on." But my heart doesn't always understand and my hands have become accustomed to the strings that wrap around each finger, reminding me to never forget. I decieve myself. It's not healthy. But the thought of loosening each string...I am not ready for that yet.

college

I remember the day I first came to HLG. I was so nervous and argued with my dad over which line to get in to. I was embarresed cause I had a car load and half and I thought it was to much stuff, so I only had the swarm squad unload one car. I found my room easily enough and was the first one there. There was one bed that I thought was superior than the others and wanted to take it. Instead, I had a 10 minute fight with my mom about where I should sleep. I wanted the better bed, but what if my roommate was mad that I made a decision without her. What if she thought I was a snob because I chose the better one. Needless, to say I was a bit melodramatic and having a bit of a mental breakdown. I remember sitting down at my new desk asking myself what was I doing here. I remember laying on my new bed (I did end up picking the better one) and wishing I could just go back home. The next day, everything changed. I fell in love with the place that I would call home for the next four years.



I cannot adequalty describe my time here. I have learned so much. Here are a few of my lessons from HLG:

lesson 1: laughter fixes everything

lesson 2: sometimes...actually all of the time...schoolwork is not the most important thing

lesson 3: people make experiences worthwhile

lesson 4: If you love Jesus to much to lie, than just be very vague and smile (freshman year, shower curtains, laundry detergent)

lesson 5: God doesnt always move in the little box you put Him in. My advice? don't put Him in a box.

lesson 6: Growth is typically coupled with you getting an edequate look at who you are and how much you fail at this thing called a Christian walk.

lesson 7: Change

lesson 8: Never make assumptions about people. They very rarely resemble who you thought they were.

lesson 9: Try new things. If youre scared to do it-do it anyways just to spite yourself.

lesson 10: Joint misery is a lot easier to handle than misery on your own.





HLG wasn't always a fairy tale. There are some things that I will not miss. Like...



1. I will not miss being late to class because I was unclogging a toilet. (RA duties)

2. night office hours

3. bad caf food

4. never having time to breath

5. lessons plans

6. packing up my stuff and trying to stuff it into George

7. The sewer smell that came with the Wiehe

8. squirrels

9. People asking me if I am here for a MRS. degree. Some people actually do value an education.

10. Watching people I love leave at every graduation



But all in all, this place has helped make me into the person I am today. There are so many things about it that I truly love.



1. The fact that if you put random people into a room and make them stay long enough, chances are they will become friends.

2. My comforter that I bought just for college.

3. Biscuts and Gravy and toasted ravioli

4. The theater.

5. The New Ed Van

6. tag in front of the arch

7. adult acting like children

8. "You know you are at a Christian college when..." jokes

9. The president of the University knowing my name

10. Movie nights with the girls

11. Inside Jokes

12. Sweet Tea

13. Being an RA

14. Snow Days

15. The People...



I cannot express it even if I tried. I could not explain how much the relationships of these past four years mean to me. My first day at HLG, I was in a bad mood. I didnt want to come. I wasnt ready for the next step. My last day at HLGU, I am in a bad mood. I don't want to leave. I am not ready for the next step. But God gives us grace for the moment....

Thanks for the memories HLGU class of 2011

How wonderful it is to be hit with a sudden burst of passion when I have been content with indifference and apathy.

God forgive my easily distracted and busy heart whose priorities aren't right. Praise God for the cross! Praise God for the tomb! Praise God for his grace! He cross paid my debt, His resurection made me free, His grace amazes me.I am so unworthy...

Happy Easter: Eggs are good. Candy is better. Bunnies are cute. His love is unspeakable.

“How do you find the words,
when words don’t define your thoughts,
how do you show you care,
when caring is cliché,
how do you stand out,
when you have been trying to fit in,
how to you explain your heart,
when its your heart you have been trying to hide."

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat...Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow. – T. Roosevelt

Proverbs 30

"...The mand declares, I am weary, O God; I am ewarly, O God and worn out. Surely I am too stupid to be a man. I ahve not the understanding of a man. I have not learned widsom, nor have I knowledge of the Holy One..." (vs.1-3)

"...Give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, lest I be full and deny you and say, "Who is the Lord?" or les I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God..." (vs. 8-9)


Thoughts of a snowy morning.

You just walked away
and never turned around

You called me friend
but you never looked back

We shared laughs
but all I saw was anger

We had so many memories
You were content to leave them behind

I have nothing I can apoligize for
except that I am sorry you were on the other side when it all came down

I dont want you back
I couldnt handle it
But I have never truly let you go either

I still have my anger
I like it.
I deserve it.
I am wrong and sinful.

I need to give up the pain that I have carried with me for far to long.

I hope you are happy
I hope you find joy

I hope you get everything you wanted.
But is it so wrong that still deep down, I am still hoping that someday...

you'll turn around and remember?

the 70 resolutions of Jonathan Edwards

he Resolutions of Jonathan Edwards (1722-1723)

Being sensible that I am unable to do anything without God's help, I do humbly entreat him by his grace to enable me to keep these Resolutions, so far as they are agreeable to his will, for Christ's sake.

Remember to read over these Resolutions once a week.

1. Resolved, that I will do whatsoever I think to be most to God's glory, and my own good, profit and pleasure, in the whole of my duration, without any consideration of the time, whether now, or never so many myriad's of ages hence. Resolved to do whatever I think to be my duty and most for the good and advantage of mankind in general. Resolved to do this, whatever difficulties I meet with, how many and how great soever.

2. Resolved, to be continually endeavoring to find out some new invention and contrivance to promote the aforementioned things.

3. Resolved, if ever I shall fall and grow dull, so as to neglect to keep any part of these Resolutions, to repent of all I can remember, when I come to myself again.

4. Resolved, never to do any manner of thing, whether in soul or body, less or more, but what tends to the glory of God; nor be, nor suffer it, if I can avoid it.

5. Resolved, never to lose one moment of time; but improve it the most profitable way I possibly can.

6. Resolved, to live with all my might, while I do live.

7. Resolved, never to do anything, which I should be afraid to do, if it were the last hour of my life.

8. Resolved, to act, in all respects, both speaking and doing, as if nobody had been so vile as I, and as if I had committed the same sins, or had the same infirmities or failings as others; and that I will let the knowledge of their failings promote nothing but shame in myself, and prove only an occasion of my confessing my own sins and misery to God.

9. Resolved, to think much on all occasions of my own dying, and of the common circumstances which attend death.

10. Resolved, when I feel pain, to think of the pains of martyrdom, and of hell.

11. Resolved, when I think of any theorem in divinity to be solved, immediately to do what I can towards solving it, if circumstances don't hinder.

12. Resolved, if I take delight in it as a gratification of pride, or vanity, or on any such account, immediately to throw it by.

13. Resolved, to be endeavoring to find out fit objects of charity and liberality.

14. Resolved, never to do anything out of revenge.

15. Resolved, never to suffer the least motions of anger to irrational beings.

16. Resolved, never to speak evil of anyone, so that it shall tend to his dishonor, more or less, upon no account except for some real good.

17. Resolved, that I will live so as I shall wish I had done when I come to die.

18. Resolved, to live so at all times, as I think is best in my devout frames, and when I have clearest notions of things of the gospel, and another world.

19. Resolved, never to do anything, which I should be afraid to do, if I expected it would not be above an hour, before I should hear the last trump.

20. Resolved, to maintain the strictest temperance in eating and drinking.

21. Resolved, never to do anything, which if I should see in another, I should count a just occasion to despise him for, or to think any way the more meanly of him.

22. Resolved, to endeavor to obtain for myself as much happiness, in the other world, as I possibly can, with all the power; might, vigor, and vehemence, yea violence, I am capable of, or can bring myself to exert, in any way that can be thought of.

23. Resolved, frequently to take some deliberate action, which seems most unlikely to be done, for the glory of God, and trace it back to the original intention, designs and ends of it; and if I find it not to be for God's glory, to repute it as a breach of the 4th Resolution.

24. Resolved, whenever I do any conspicuously evil action, to trace it back, till I come to the original cause; and then both carefully endeavor to do so no more, and to fight and pray with all my might against the original of it.

25. Resolved, to examine carefully, and constantly, what that one thing in me is, which causes me in the least to doubt of the love of God; and to direct all my forces against it.

26. Resolved, to cast away such things, as I find do abate my assurance.

27. Resolved, never willfully to omit anything, except the omission be for the glory of God; and frequently to examine my omissions.

28. Resolved, to study the Scriptures so steadily, constantly and frequently, as that I may find, and plainly perceive myself to grow in the knowledge of the same.

29. Resolved, never to count that a prayer, nor to let that pass as a prayer, nor that as a petition of a prayer, which is so made, that I cannot hope that God will answer it; nor that as a confession, which I cannot hope God will accept.

30. Resolved, to strive to my utmost every week to be brought higher in religion, and to a higher exercise of grace, than I was the week before.

31. Resolved, never to say anything at all against anybody, but when it is
perfectly agreeable to the highest degree of Christian honor, and of love to mankind, agreeable to the lowest humility, and sense of my own faults and failings, and agreeable to the golden rule; often, when I have said anything against anyone, to bring it to, and try it strictly by the test of this Resolution.

32. Resolved, to be strictly and firmly faithful to my trust, that that in Prov. 20:6, "A faithful man who can find?" may not be partly fulfilled in me.

33. Resolved, always to do what I can towards making, maintaining, establishing and preserving peace, when it can be without over-balancing detriment in other respects. Dec.26, 1722.

34. Resolved, in narration's never to speak anything but the pure and simple verity.

35. Resolved, whenever I so much question whether I have done my duty, as that my quiet and calm is thereby disturbed, to set it down, and also how the question was resolved. Dec. 18, 1722.

36. Resolved, never to speak evil of any, except I have some particular good call for it. Dec. 19, 1722.

37. Resolved, to inquire every night, as I am going to bed, wherein I have been negligent, what sin I have committed, and wherein I have denied myself: also at the end of every week, month and year. Dec.22 and 26, 1722.

38. Resolved, never to speak anything that is ridiculous, sportive, or matter of laughter on the Lord's day. Sabbath evening, Dec. 23, 1722.

39. Resolved, never to do anything that I so much question the lawfulness of, as that I intend, at the same time, to consider and examine afterwards, whether it be lawful or no; except I as much question the lawfulness of the omission.

40. Resolved, to inquire every night, before I go to bed, whether I have acted in the best way I possibly could, with respect to eating and drinking. Jan. 7, 1723.

41. Resolved, to ask myself at the end of every day, week, month and year, wherein I could possibly in any respect have done better. Jan. 11, 1723.

42. Resolved, frequently to renew the dedication of myself to God, which was made at my baptism; which I solemnly renewed, when I was received into the communion of the church; and which I have solemnly re-made this twelfth day of January, 1722-23.

43. Resolved, never henceforward, till I die, to act as if I were any way my own, but entirely and altogether God's, agreeable to what is to be found in Saturday, January 12. Jan.12, 1723.

44- Resolved, that no other end but religion, shall have any influence at all on any of my actions; and that no action shall be, in the least circumstance, any otherwise than the religious end will carry it. Jan.12, 1723.

45. Resolved, never to allow any pleasure or grief, joy or sorrow, nor any affection at all, nor any degree of affection, nor any circumstance relating to it, but what helps religion. Jan.12 and 13.1723.

46. Resolved, never to allow the least measure of any fretting uneasiness at my father or mother. Resolved to suffer no effects of it, so much as in the least alteration of speech, or motion of my eve: and to be especially careful of it, with respect to any of our family.

47. Resolved, to endeavor to my utmost to deny whatever is not most agreeable to a good, and universally sweet and benevolent, quiet, peace able, contented, easy, compassionate, generous, humble, meek, modest, submissive, obliging, diligent and industrious, charitable, even, patient, moderate, forgiving, sincere temper; and to do at all times what such a temper would lead me to. Examine strictly every week, whether I have done so. Sabbath morning. May 5,1723.

48. Resolved, constantly, with the utmost niceness and diligence, and the strictest scrutiny, to be looking into the state of my soul, that I may know whether I have truly an interest in Christ or no; that when I come to die, I may not have any negligence respecting this to repent of. May 26, 1723.

49. Resolved, that this never shall be, if I can help it.

50. Resolved, I will act so as I think I shall judge would have been best, and most prudent, when I come into the future world. July 5, 1723.

51. Resolved, that I will act so, in every respect, as I think I shall wish I had done, if I should at last be damned. July 8, 1723.

52. I frequently hear persons in old age say how they would live, if they were to live their lives over again: Resolved, that I will live just so as I can think I shall wish I had done, supposing I live to old age. July 8, 1723.

53. Resolved, to improve every opportunity, when I am in the best and happiest frame of mind, to cast and venture my soul on the Lord Jesus Christ, to trust and confide in him, and consecrate myself wholly to him; that from this I may have assurance of my safety, knowing that I confide in my Redeemer. July 8, 1723.

54. Whenever I hear anything spoken in conversation of any person, if I think it would be praiseworthy in me, Resolved to endeavor to imitate it. July 8, 1723.

55. Resolved, to endeavor to my utmost to act as I can think I should do, if I had already seen the happiness of heaven, and hell torments. July 8, 1723.

56. Resolved, never to give over, nor in the least to slacken my fight with my corruptions, however unsuccessful I may be.

57. Resolved, when I fear misfortunes and adversities, to examine whether ~ have done my duty, and resolve to do it; and let it be just as providence orders it, I will as far as I can, be concerned about nothing but my duty and my sin. June 9, and July 13 1723.

58. Resolved, not only to refrain from an air of dislike, fretfulness, and anger in conversation, but to exhibit an air of love, cheerfulness and benignity. May27, and July 13, 1723.

59. Resolved, when I am most conscious of provocations to ill nature and anger, that I will strive most to feel and act good-naturedly; yea, at such times, to manifest good nature, though I think that in other respects it would be disadvantageous, and so as would be imprudent at other times. May 12, July ii, and July 13.

60. Resolved, whenever my feelings begin to appear in the least out of order, when I am conscious of the least uneasiness within, or the least irregularity without, I will then subject myself to the strictest examination. July 4, and 13, 1723.

61. Resolved, that I will not give way to that listlessness which I find unbends and relaxes my mind from being fully and fixedly set on religion, whatever excuse I may have for it-that what my listlessness inclines me to do, is best to be done, etc. May 21, and July 13, 1723.

62. Resolved, never to do anything but duty; and then according to Eph. 6:6-8, do it willingly and cheerfully as unto the Lord, and not to man; "knowing that whatever good thing any man doth, the same shall he receive of the Lord." June 25 and July 13, 1723.

63. On the supposition, that there never was to be but one individual in the world, at any one time, who was properly a complete Christian, in all respects of a right stamp, having Christianity always shining in its true luster, and appearing excellent and lovely, from whatever part and under whatever character viewed: Resolved, to act just as I would do, if I strove with all my might to be that one, who should live in my time. Jan.14' and July '3' 1723.

64. Resolved, when I find those "groanings which cannot be uttered" (Rom. 8:26), of which the Apostle speaks, and those "breakings of soul for the longing it hath," of which the Psalmist speaks, Psalm 119:20, that I will promote them to the utmost of my power, and that I will not be wear', of earnestly endeavoring to vent my desires, nor of the repetitions of such earnestness. July 23, and August 10, 1723.

65. Resolved, very much to exercise myself in this all my life long, viz. with the greatest openness I am capable of, to declare my ways to God, and lay open my soul to him: all my sins, temptations, difficulties, sorrows, fears, hopes, desires, and every thing, and every circumstance; according to Dr. Manton's 27th Sermon on Psalm 119. July 26, and Aug.10 1723.

66. Resolved, that I will endeavor always to keep a benign aspect, and air of acting and speaking in all places, and in all companies, except it should so happen that duty requires otherwise.

67. Resolved, after afflictions, to inquire, what I am the better for them, what good I have got by them, and what I might have got by them.

68. Resolved, to confess frankly to myself all that which I find in myself, either infirmity or sin; and, if it be what concerns religion, also to confess the whole case to God, and implore needed help. July 23, and August 10, 1723.

69. Resolved, always to do that, which I shall wish I had done when I see others do it. Aug. 11, 1723.

70. Let there be something of benevolence, in all that I speak.
Aug. 17, 1723

Change...
Life is full of it. I used to say that I hated change. But that isn't true. If we never changed then we would never really go anywhere. But I don't necessarily look forward to it. Looking back on my 21 years of life, it sure seems a lot longer than that. I am stting surrounded by scrapbooks and journals, chapters of my life, pages that seem more like a distant dream than a memory. I have been blessed with so many diffferent expereinces and opportunites. Pictures of different countries and sights surround me. The faces of poeple I will never see again make me wonder. The faces of people that I rarely see make me sad. I find myself missing the present, even though nothing has even changed yet. I feel like I have a good grasp on what change means. I have had quite a bit of it in my life. I understand what it means to say goodbye. In my head, I get it...my heart is another story.
Change is hard...but life wouldn't be worth much without it.

So here we go, 2011. I don't know all that you will bring me, but I do know of one thing. You will bring me change and I will do my best to meet it bodly. Another new year,another step in me life, more goodbyes. Sometimes I wonder if there is room in my head for another address and zip code...I guess it's a good thing we have gps.

He is the savior...not me

I was selfish. I didn't want to invite him. I never see my family, I wanted to spend time with them without the added distraction. He lived 15 mninutes out of the way. I didnt feel like the extra half an hour of driving. I wanted to relax-I didn't want the extra emotional strain he always brings me. I was selfish.

I invited him to church anyways. I gave him every possible chance to get out of it, but he called less than five minutes later accepting my offer to pick him up.

Then it hit me! Since I sacrificed to bring him to church, even when I didn't want to, today might be the day he comes to know the Lord. I got excited and thought about what a cool story that would make. I was ready to have my moment, the second when you realize that all the prayers and sacrifices were worth it. I couldn't wait for the invitation. Again, I made everything all about me.

The invitation came and went. The last chorus finished with him still standing stoically beside me. I wanted to scream! I wanted to shake him! I wanted to tell him all of this things that I thought he could be. He could be the doctor that he used to dream about! He could get his son back! He could be this changed man that I imagine every time I am with him. I wanted to show him what he had become, but also what Christ could do in him. I wanted to save him....

But I am not anyones savior. I am not meant to be. I cant change him.

This is discouraging. He is a day away from drinking himself to death. He is a second away from another hospital visit. He is one mistake from losing his son forever. His cough is one of life-long smoker. His smell is one of continual drunk. He is my friend and his heart is one of a very lost man who has somehow ended up where he never wanted to be.

I am not meant to bring results. I am simply called to love and obey. It's not about me. If and when God chooses to use me in his life, I will stand in awe. But for now, God, save my friend...I cannot.

Random thought of today:
I do not buy in to the whole idea that we can do anything we set our minds to. I realize that human beings and our abilities or lack there off are not the center forces in the universe. We each have boundaries, we each have talents, and we all our bound to fail or succeed at certain points in our lives. Winning and losing may not be "healthy" to teach students, but it is truth.
However, do you ever feel like you are written off? Like the things you would dream to aspire to, others try to talk you out of. It's like you are already taken out of the running to become what you think you could be.Granted, no success is possible without Christ. And even though it is Him who brings results, we are not called to settle for ordinary and to be content with the status quo. Nor are we called to expect that of others. I think one of my gifts is to be able to see greatness in other people. People make choices and I just want to shake them and scream, "Do you know what you could be!!??" I want so much more for them...and sometimes for me to.
It's hard to fight against a world that is continually trying to push you into the crowd.

Life wasn't fair
Choices and mistakes were made
I thought that left me entitled
It was time to get repaid.

I thought I knew the answers
or at least deserved to hear them
It was time for my rewards,
I was owed for the time I'd given

but then I grew up.

I wasn't there at the beginning...

I have never seen the heavens....

The sky is a forbidden mystery to me...

The world's workings are unfathomable...

Who am I?

More importantly...Who is He? and how do I compare?

6 Years ago...

Its funny how just a few years ago can seem like another lifetime. It's funny how you can begin to realize how much you were impacted by just one event: how no matter how much you have moved on, or how far you have come, or how "over it" you are, there are still moments that remain crystal clear in your mind. It's funny how one choice can begin a chain link of events that completely change everything. I am glad that we dont have the choice to go back. I am glad that there are no time machines. I am aftraid of what I might do. I might have chosen to change it all.

It's such a freeing thought to realize that we dont always have to understand. It is so amazing to "let go the need to know why." Our race has been "set before us." We don't always "choose" it. But we weren't meant to. However, we can choose to be ok with that.

“There are moments when God makes utter and complete sense to us, and then suddenly, life changes and He seems a foreign remnant of a childhood force fed faith…[Lord,] give us eyes to see you coming and GOING, ears to hear your voice and your SILENCE, hands to hold your presence and you ABSENCE, and faith to trust your unchanging nature in all seasons.” -Elisa Morgan

We are not home yet

There are so many cliché phrases that talk about what “home” is. But what do you do when the definition of that word gets frayed? Today I was at a familiar gas station and I saw a man wearing the jacket with the logo of my favorite football team. Is that what home is? Is it the place where strangers collectively feel the destruction of storms, pray for rain, and experience the triumph and defeat around a television set? I drove past nostalgic buildings where memories danced through my head. Inside jokes made me laugh silently as I replayed a moment in time. But what do you do when the constant fabric of what used to be in your life, ceases to be constant. “Home is where the heart is,” So they say. What do you do when your heart is split in so many different pieces, each with different area codes? They say Home is where things seem the simplest…but what do you do when nothing seems simple anymore? What do you do when you are left searching for home? I think that, is when you truly get a glimpse of how the Christian walk is supposed to be. You can memorize the verses, you can read pilgrims progress, and you can talk the metaphors with the best. But when life ceases to be “comfortable,” and you are pushed out into the place where nothing seems familiar…that is when you get to see life as the great journey it is meant to be. We are moving toward something. We are traveling with a purpose. We are not meant to ride a carousel, going around in circles, surrounded by the same realizations and images. We are not meant to make houses among familiarity. We are meant to be pilgrims passing through. We are meant to be waiting on something greater, working towards a grand mission, loving and experiencing moments, but not clinging to them a long the way. That is when we realize that home is somewhere we have never known. Home is a place adorned with colors I have never seen, smells that have never reached my nose, sights that I cant imagine, people that I have met a long the way, and a God that has no adequate description or flowery words that could even scratch the surface. This is home. This is where we’re heading. And we can thank God for the joys and experiences a long the way; but on the days you feel like you can’t find security, simple remember…you are not home yet.

"I find in myself desires which nothing in this earth can satisfy; the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world” C.S. Lewis

"two paths diverged in a wood...I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost

We all make choices. Every day. I look back at my choices. Maybe it wasnt a choice. Maybe there was this road that diverged that I took because I felt like I had no other option. But somehow I elevated it up on this pedestal. I made it this heroic decision. It became something I felt strong and confident in. It became a source of pride...and strength. I liked my path. I liked the elite wooded area that no one else got to see. I was wrong, but I thought of the other wood as inferior. What do you do when these paths diverge again, only this time you are given a choice? Torn between who you have tried to be and maybe who you are supposed to be.

I dont use this blog as often as I planned. I am not good at writing my thoughts down as I should. I think the problem is that i just have so many. I think to much. Normally when I write, I wait till a whole bunch of random thoughts morph into some kind of mega thought and then that mega thought finds this great wise conclusion...then I share.

But in the meantime...my head hurts.

I like knowing the answers, I like having things figured out. But sometimes, I don't. Sometimes I just let my head run, and the result is unpredictable.

the thoughts of right now...no conclusion....no clarity

Familiar weight

I thought I had learned to drop my carpet bag. I thought I had learned what it meant to put it down and walk away. But I find myself returning to it again and again. Its weight is comforting. I don’t know how to walk without it. I was never meant to carry my bag. Someone offered to carry it for me. I don’t know how to give it to Him. I like the weight; the burden is a familiarity. It makes me feel strong, it makes me feel secure, it makes me feel independent, but more than that, it’s all I know. I have the bag’s pattern memorized. I can trace the lines and the stitches in my mind. I know the fabric well. It is my bag, but it is not meant to be. I can’t put it down; I don’t know if I want to, I don’t know if I can. I don’t remember what the freedom feels like. He’s willing to show me. He said He would teach me. But how do I give to Him what I have held onto for so long? The carpet bag isn’t bad, it’s what this unpredictable life has given me; but it is not meant for me to carry…how.do.you.just.drop.it?

Change of Plans

I needed to hear from God. SO I did what any good Christian should do- I played into the cliché picture of pleasant solitude with a beautiful view and the warm sunshine. I packed my guitar and some good Christian music into my car and set off to find a good spot. My first attempt led me straight to the river…I mean literally. It was flooded and the road I was on ran right into the Mississippi River. Needless to say, I turned around and kept looking. I did a little exploring and ended up on a narrow road that followed the river. Now, this was the kind of place I was looking for…abandoned, quiet, peaceful…and impossible to get out of. Imagine this scene: a 1989 station wagon without a muffler arrives at a dead end…with no place to turn around. On one side of the road is a cliff whose bottom is covered with the flooded water, on the other side a wall of rock. Straight ahead? Well that was chained off between two cement columns. That was the situation I found myself in. To make matters worse, behind those chains and columns, my once desolate road had now housed some scary building with a no trespassing sign. Two other cars stood stopped in the road.( Only they were facing the proper direction to get out…how the managed this, I am not aware of, had I been aware of it, perhaps I could have managed the same feat) I have never learned how to parallel park. I barely passed maneuverability. Backing up is one of my least favorite things. But I did the only thing I could do; I proceeded to drive my car backwards down a narrow road for a good mile. I am sure the owners of those cars and the jogger I drove past got a good laugh at the station wagon weaving back and forth between cliff and wall all they way back down the road. SO I was on the hunt again, this time I left the flooded shoreline of the river and headed up to safer country. I went to a more public place and decided to sit on an overhang. I thought I had it…my beautiful scenery, my peaceful solitude…but then it occurred to me that by this time the warm sunshine was gone. It was rather cold. My once guitar calloused fingers were not so calloused anymore and playing the guitar hurt, not to mention it was out of tune. Then I looked over and saw a little pile of dog poop. This confused me. I climbed a fence to sit on this cliff overhang…how did the dog get up there? Did someone pick him up and put him there? And if so why? There was grass everywhere else…why would the dog pick the spot with the least amount of grass, on top of a cliff that he had to climb a fence to get to? These were the thoughts that ran through my head….

I got back into my car and drove back. I did not hear any audible voice from God, my decisions did not become any clearer, and my night did not fit the image that I had wanted to create. But at least for a few moments, I did not feel the weight of trying to organize my thoughts, for a little while; I enjoyed life and laughed at myself, for a little while I just talked to God. Maybe sometimes that’s all we need.