He is the savior...not me

I was selfish. I didn't want to invite him. I never see my family, I wanted to spend time with them without the added distraction. He lived 15 mninutes out of the way. I didnt feel like the extra half an hour of driving. I wanted to relax-I didn't want the extra emotional strain he always brings me. I was selfish.

I invited him to church anyways. I gave him every possible chance to get out of it, but he called less than five minutes later accepting my offer to pick him up.

Then it hit me! Since I sacrificed to bring him to church, even when I didn't want to, today might be the day he comes to know the Lord. I got excited and thought about what a cool story that would make. I was ready to have my moment, the second when you realize that all the prayers and sacrifices were worth it. I couldn't wait for the invitation. Again, I made everything all about me.

The invitation came and went. The last chorus finished with him still standing stoically beside me. I wanted to scream! I wanted to shake him! I wanted to tell him all of this things that I thought he could be. He could be the doctor that he used to dream about! He could get his son back! He could be this changed man that I imagine every time I am with him. I wanted to show him what he had become, but also what Christ could do in him. I wanted to save him....

But I am not anyones savior. I am not meant to be. I cant change him.

This is discouraging. He is a day away from drinking himself to death. He is a second away from another hospital visit. He is one mistake from losing his son forever. His cough is one of life-long smoker. His smell is one of continual drunk. He is my friend and his heart is one of a very lost man who has somehow ended up where he never wanted to be.

I am not meant to bring results. I am simply called to love and obey. It's not about me. If and when God chooses to use me in his life, I will stand in awe. But for now, God, save my friend...I cannot.

Random thought of today:
I do not buy in to the whole idea that we can do anything we set our minds to. I realize that human beings and our abilities or lack there off are not the center forces in the universe. We each have boundaries, we each have talents, and we all our bound to fail or succeed at certain points in our lives. Winning and losing may not be "healthy" to teach students, but it is truth.
However, do you ever feel like you are written off? Like the things you would dream to aspire to, others try to talk you out of. It's like you are already taken out of the running to become what you think you could be.Granted, no success is possible without Christ. And even though it is Him who brings results, we are not called to settle for ordinary and to be content with the status quo. Nor are we called to expect that of others. I think one of my gifts is to be able to see greatness in other people. People make choices and I just want to shake them and scream, "Do you know what you could be!!??" I want so much more for them...and sometimes for me to.
It's hard to fight against a world that is continually trying to push you into the crowd.

Life wasn't fair
Choices and mistakes were made
I thought that left me entitled
It was time to get repaid.

I thought I knew the answers
or at least deserved to hear them
It was time for my rewards,
I was owed for the time I'd given

but then I grew up.

I wasn't there at the beginning...

I have never seen the heavens....

The sky is a forbidden mystery to me...

The world's workings are unfathomable...

Who am I?

More importantly...Who is He? and how do I compare?

6 Years ago...

Its funny how just a few years ago can seem like another lifetime. It's funny how you can begin to realize how much you were impacted by just one event: how no matter how much you have moved on, or how far you have come, or how "over it" you are, there are still moments that remain crystal clear in your mind. It's funny how one choice can begin a chain link of events that completely change everything. I am glad that we dont have the choice to go back. I am glad that there are no time machines. I am aftraid of what I might do. I might have chosen to change it all.

It's such a freeing thought to realize that we dont always have to understand. It is so amazing to "let go the need to know why." Our race has been "set before us." We don't always "choose" it. But we weren't meant to. However, we can choose to be ok with that.

“There are moments when God makes utter and complete sense to us, and then suddenly, life changes and He seems a foreign remnant of a childhood force fed faith…[Lord,] give us eyes to see you coming and GOING, ears to hear your voice and your SILENCE, hands to hold your presence and you ABSENCE, and faith to trust your unchanging nature in all seasons.” -Elisa Morgan

We are not home yet

There are so many cliché phrases that talk about what “home” is. But what do you do when the definition of that word gets frayed? Today I was at a familiar gas station and I saw a man wearing the jacket with the logo of my favorite football team. Is that what home is? Is it the place where strangers collectively feel the destruction of storms, pray for rain, and experience the triumph and defeat around a television set? I drove past nostalgic buildings where memories danced through my head. Inside jokes made me laugh silently as I replayed a moment in time. But what do you do when the constant fabric of what used to be in your life, ceases to be constant. “Home is where the heart is,” So they say. What do you do when your heart is split in so many different pieces, each with different area codes? They say Home is where things seem the simplest…but what do you do when nothing seems simple anymore? What do you do when you are left searching for home? I think that, is when you truly get a glimpse of how the Christian walk is supposed to be. You can memorize the verses, you can read pilgrims progress, and you can talk the metaphors with the best. But when life ceases to be “comfortable,” and you are pushed out into the place where nothing seems familiar…that is when you get to see life as the great journey it is meant to be. We are moving toward something. We are traveling with a purpose. We are not meant to ride a carousel, going around in circles, surrounded by the same realizations and images. We are not meant to make houses among familiarity. We are meant to be pilgrims passing through. We are meant to be waiting on something greater, working towards a grand mission, loving and experiencing moments, but not clinging to them a long the way. That is when we realize that home is somewhere we have never known. Home is a place adorned with colors I have never seen, smells that have never reached my nose, sights that I cant imagine, people that I have met a long the way, and a God that has no adequate description or flowery words that could even scratch the surface. This is home. This is where we’re heading. And we can thank God for the joys and experiences a long the way; but on the days you feel like you can’t find security, simple remember…you are not home yet.

"I find in myself desires which nothing in this earth can satisfy; the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world” C.S. Lewis

"two paths diverged in a wood...I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost

We all make choices. Every day. I look back at my choices. Maybe it wasnt a choice. Maybe there was this road that diverged that I took because I felt like I had no other option. But somehow I elevated it up on this pedestal. I made it this heroic decision. It became something I felt strong and confident in. It became a source of pride...and strength. I liked my path. I liked the elite wooded area that no one else got to see. I was wrong, but I thought of the other wood as inferior. What do you do when these paths diverge again, only this time you are given a choice? Torn between who you have tried to be and maybe who you are supposed to be.

I dont use this blog as often as I planned. I am not good at writing my thoughts down as I should. I think the problem is that i just have so many. I think to much. Normally when I write, I wait till a whole bunch of random thoughts morph into some kind of mega thought and then that mega thought finds this great wise conclusion...then I share.

But in the meantime...my head hurts.

I like knowing the answers, I like having things figured out. But sometimes, I don't. Sometimes I just let my head run, and the result is unpredictable.

the thoughts of right now...no conclusion....no clarity