looking back

I have grown. I have learned. I am better because. I am not the same girl. I have changed for the better. I am stronger. I have more faith. I trust more…its so weird how I trust MORE after that. But I do. I wouldn’t change to be back what I was. But is it wrong that I look at them now and am angry that they have forgotten. That they don’t remember. That they changed my world….and they kept going. They stole things that I will never get back. They hurt me in ways I have never really gotten over. They turned around and walked away. The worst thing…They don’t care. They don’t think about it. They are blind. They will never know. I just want them to know. I want them to acknowledge. Is it stupid that I am still standing there looking back. Not all the time, not even often. But sometimes I remember. They never do. I pray for the strength to forgive faults that they are to blind to realize. To move on without apologies that will never come. I pray I will love people that will never remember.

I sing very loudlly in my car. It is probably the only place that I belt out songs...who knows- I could be really good. The world may not know what it is missing. But that is beyond the point...Driving home tonight I had quite a few songs that popped into my head. It is interesting to me how a song can come on the radio that can completely take me back to another time. A lyric can jump out at me that reminds me of a vivid scene that starts rolling behind my eyelids. For example: "Forty Miles in Missouri," reminds me of car rides when I was little and the whole family joining in, "You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille," reminds me of a car ride home from McDonalds with my daddy and our car windown rolled down, "Fishin in the Dark" reminds me of a house in the country and friends that I hold dear to my heart,"Jump on it" reminds me of senior prom on the river boat, Boy band songs brings me back to college days, Silly Camp songs reminds me of summers spent with amazing people, Frank sinatra reminds me of my husband, and those are just the first on the playlist. I could probably list hundreds of songs that were simply lucky bystanders to some amazing times in my life. I love it how our brains work. We attach memories to songs. Then sometimes out of the blue, after years of life that have replaced previous ones, a song will start playing that will bring that moment out of the dusty recesses of our minds and for just a second, remind us of who we were. I love that.

heartstrings

I feel the ties breaking. The bands are stretching and sometimes I dont know how much longer they will hold. I dont know how much longer I can keep my grasp. They're slipping away. But I try, I always try. I never give up. I hold on. I carry. I reach and stretch as far as I can. I refuse to let myself believe that sometimes the strings that hold hearts together aren't meant to reach that far.In my head I know that people are supposed to come in and out of our lives. My logic tells me that we should cherish memories and let them go. My experience says, "be grateful and move on." But my heart doesn't always understand and my hands have become accustomed to the strings that wrap around each finger, reminding me to never forget. I decieve myself. It's not healthy. But the thought of loosening each string...I am not ready for that yet.

college

I remember the day I first came to HLG. I was so nervous and argued with my dad over which line to get in to. I was embarresed cause I had a car load and half and I thought it was to much stuff, so I only had the swarm squad unload one car. I found my room easily enough and was the first one there. There was one bed that I thought was superior than the others and wanted to take it. Instead, I had a 10 minute fight with my mom about where I should sleep. I wanted the better bed, but what if my roommate was mad that I made a decision without her. What if she thought I was a snob because I chose the better one. Needless, to say I was a bit melodramatic and having a bit of a mental breakdown. I remember sitting down at my new desk asking myself what was I doing here. I remember laying on my new bed (I did end up picking the better one) and wishing I could just go back home. The next day, everything changed. I fell in love with the place that I would call home for the next four years.



I cannot adequalty describe my time here. I have learned so much. Here are a few of my lessons from HLG:

lesson 1: laughter fixes everything

lesson 2: sometimes...actually all of the time...schoolwork is not the most important thing

lesson 3: people make experiences worthwhile

lesson 4: If you love Jesus to much to lie, than just be very vague and smile (freshman year, shower curtains, laundry detergent)

lesson 5: God doesnt always move in the little box you put Him in. My advice? don't put Him in a box.

lesson 6: Growth is typically coupled with you getting an edequate look at who you are and how much you fail at this thing called a Christian walk.

lesson 7: Change

lesson 8: Never make assumptions about people. They very rarely resemble who you thought they were.

lesson 9: Try new things. If youre scared to do it-do it anyways just to spite yourself.

lesson 10: Joint misery is a lot easier to handle than misery on your own.





HLG wasn't always a fairy tale. There are some things that I will not miss. Like...



1. I will not miss being late to class because I was unclogging a toilet. (RA duties)

2. night office hours

3. bad caf food

4. never having time to breath

5. lessons plans

6. packing up my stuff and trying to stuff it into George

7. The sewer smell that came with the Wiehe

8. squirrels

9. People asking me if I am here for a MRS. degree. Some people actually do value an education.

10. Watching people I love leave at every graduation



But all in all, this place has helped make me into the person I am today. There are so many things about it that I truly love.



1. The fact that if you put random people into a room and make them stay long enough, chances are they will become friends.

2. My comforter that I bought just for college.

3. Biscuts and Gravy and toasted ravioli

4. The theater.

5. The New Ed Van

6. tag in front of the arch

7. adult acting like children

8. "You know you are at a Christian college when..." jokes

9. The president of the University knowing my name

10. Movie nights with the girls

11. Inside Jokes

12. Sweet Tea

13. Being an RA

14. Snow Days

15. The People...



I cannot express it even if I tried. I could not explain how much the relationships of these past four years mean to me. My first day at HLG, I was in a bad mood. I didnt want to come. I wasnt ready for the next step. My last day at HLGU, I am in a bad mood. I don't want to leave. I am not ready for the next step. But God gives us grace for the moment....

Thanks for the memories HLGU class of 2011

How wonderful it is to be hit with a sudden burst of passion when I have been content with indifference and apathy.

God forgive my easily distracted and busy heart whose priorities aren't right. Praise God for the cross! Praise God for the tomb! Praise God for his grace! He cross paid my debt, His resurection made me free, His grace amazes me.I am so unworthy...

Happy Easter: Eggs are good. Candy is better. Bunnies are cute. His love is unspeakable.

“How do you find the words,
when words don’t define your thoughts,
how do you show you care,
when caring is cliché,
how do you stand out,
when you have been trying to fit in,
how to you explain your heart,
when its your heart you have been trying to hide."

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat...Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow. – T. Roosevelt